Grandma Has ADHD

Episode 38 – Alice Reiter Feld Schpilkas in the Touchas

• Jami Shapiro • Episode 38

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In this episode of 'Grandma Has ADHD,' host Jami Shapiro discusses ADHD in seniors and its impact on organization, task initiation, and time management. Jami introduces guest Alice Reiter Feld, a board-certified elder law attorney, certified family mediator, and ADHD coach. 

Alice shares her personal ADHD story, having been diagnosed in her late 40s, and talks about her career in elder law, touching on the importance of planning and communication in family dynamics. They explore the common symptoms of ADHD in older adults, strategies for coping, and the significance of community support. 

Jami also highlights practical tips for managing ADHD, including the importance of setting reminders, embracing one's unique challenges, and understanding one's strengths and executive function capabilities. The episode emphasizes that ADHD doesn't have an age limit and advocates for building a supportive community for those affected.

Thank you for joining us for this episode of Grandma Has ADHD! We hope Jami's journey and insights into ADHD shed light on the unique challenges faced by older adults. Stay tuned for more episodes where we’ll explore helpful resources, share personal stories, and provide guidance for those navigating ADHD. Don’t forget to subscribe and share this podcast with friends who might benefit. Remember, Make the rest of your life the best of your life.

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Grandma Has ADHD

Have you ever thought, is this just me? When struggling to stay organized, start tasks, or manage time, for those of us over 50, these challenges might not be just aging. They could be ADHD hiding in plain sight for decades. I'm Jamie Shapiro, host of Grandma has ADHD, and I'm building a community where your experiences matter.

Whether you are diagnosed, questioning or simply curious. You are not alone. Our Facebook group is filled with vibrant understanding. People over 50 who share their stories, strategies, and yes, even their struggles with plenty of laughter along the way. Ready to find your people. Join our growing Grandma has ADHD Facebook community.

Please like and subscribe to the podcast wherever you listen and share it with someone who might need to hear. They're not alone because ADHD doesn't have an age limit and neither does understanding yourself better. Together, we're changing the conversation about ADHD after 50 come be part of the story.

[00:01:25] Jami Shapiro: Hi, and welcome to the latest episode of Grandma Has ADHD. I always love when I have a guest on who I have absolutely no knowledge of because then you get to hear a real spontaneous conversation just as it would take place. What I can share is Alice's bio. So I'm gonna do that and then we're gonna get right into the conversation.

[00:01:49] Alice Reiter Feld: 

[00:01:49] Jami Shapiro: Alice Reiter Feld is a board certified elder law attorney by the American Bar Association and the Certified Elder Law Foundation. She is also a certified family mediator with specific training in elder mediation and is a certified professional ADHD coach.

[00:02:07] Jami Shapiro: She is AV rated by Martindale Hubble. The former mayor of Lauder Hill in Broward County, Florida, and former president of the Academy of Elder Law Attorneys. Alice is licensed to practice in Florida and formerly also in New York. After earning her bachelor's degree in political science from Brooklyn College and graduating with honors Ms.

[00:02:29] Jami Shapiro: Reiter Feld went on to earn a Juris Doctorate from St. John's University School of Law in 1980 in Jamaica, New York. Alice, your bio reads like someone with ADHD. Do you have ADHD? 

[00:02:41] Alice Reiter Feld: I certainly do, yes. 

[00:02:43] Jami Shapiro: I love that. Thank you so much. And what I really love about having you is that not only do you have A-D-H-D-I suspect that you're over 50, which is my demographic.

[00:02:54] Jami Shapiro: And you also have experience in elder law. AndI wanna touch on all of that. So first of all, give me your ADHD story. How did you discover that you had a DHD? 

[00:03:05] Alice Reiter Feld: I was in my, probably late forties or early fifties. I'm not sure coincidentally, my son had just been diagnosed with it. So that sort of was part of it.

[00:03:14] Alice Reiter Feld: But I started to notice that my memory wasn't good. And when you deal with seniors all the time, you get really nervous that maybe you sure you have something. So I went to, psycho neurologist and all that and, I was on boards with these people. They just laughed at me when I told them I was getting, evaluated and they didn't.

[00:03:30] Alice Reiter Feld: Unfortunately they didn't come up with anything helpful. They didn't say, tell me I had ADHD. They told me I might have mild cognitive impairment, which is not a thing you wanna hear when you're 49 or 50. Absolutely not. And I lived with that for a while, but I knew it wasn't mild cognitive impairment because I deal with people all the time.

[00:03:47] Alice Reiter Feld: It wasn't progressing and it just didn't feel like it. So I was just talking to my son one day about the symptoms and he said, well, those are my symptoms. So, I mean, this was five years after I wasn't initially diagnosed. Mm-hmm. So I started to do my homework, started to Google, started to do my research, and I found out that I was not alone.

[00:04:07] Alice Reiter Feld: That there were a lot of women who had it, that you have generally considered to have it your whole life. But until I hit my late forties or early fifties, it really wasn't a big problem. And even though my son had it, he'd only had it for a year and I didn't know that much about it.

[00:04:22] Alice Reiter: And to me it was attention deficit. Mm-hmm. So the fact that I was having issues with memory or disorganization, or that I didn't put the two together for many, many years. 

[00:04:32] Jami Shapiro: Right. Well, you are actually very common for women over 50 who realize that they have it. There are two big times that women tend to be diagnosed.

[00:04:40] Jami Shapiro: One is during perimenopause because estrogen is precognitive. And as we are losing our estrogen those symptoms are becoming more pronounced. And we also discover it as I did when my oldest child was diagnosed. And then I discovered that it was highly heritable. So your experience is very common.

[00:04:59] Jami Shapiro: Can you now look at your childhood and see, oh yeah, this was something, because that's one of the ways that we look at ADHD versus age relating cognitive impairment, which is, how was I at 40, not how am I now, but what was I like looking back? 

[00:05:15] Alice Reiter Feld: Well, I think also they use that as a, in hugely in diagnosing.

[00:05:19] Alice Reiter Feld: My psychiatrist would probably would not have diagnosed me if he didn't see signs of it when I was a kid. So and most people subscribe to that. Some people say, you can get it later, but whether you can or you can't. Most people have had symptoms since their children just didn't realize what it was.

[00:05:33] Alice Reiter Feld: And so I was loquacious, talkative as as a kid, that's little girls and talkative and. I was smart enough to be able to get away with it not being a big problem even in law school, people say, how did you go to law school? You adapt and you make adjustments and you do things that over the years you don't even realize you're doing that are good for people with ADHD.

[00:05:57] Alice Reiter: So it was good getting diagnosed. I'm glad I got diagnosed, and Yes, having as a child, definitely, I mean, my mother said I couldn't sit still. She used a Yiddish expression for it, but soon as I said that to the psychiatrist that I couldn't sit still, he said that was it.

[00:06:12] Jami Shapiro: Was the term Aida? 

[00:06:14] Alice Reiter Feld: It was nol. You can't keep your butt in the sitting desk. 

[00:06:16] Jami Shapiro: Oh, well, you'll have to tell me that one again. I haven't heard of that one. But my mother took me to the doctor and she said that I was hyperkinetic and the doctor told her that I wasn't hyperkinetic.

[00:06:25] Jami Shapiro: I just had a nervous. Mother, well, PS I have combined type ADHD and it was never caught. And I think that's, the reason that I named the podcast Grandma my father and mother both have ADHD with my father. It was very obvious. You could see it in his baby videos. he was constantly moving.

[00:06:42] Jami Shapiro: My mother, could sit still, but had the inattentive and. So, she was the person that couldn't finish projects. and what I noticed about A AD is there's someone like you who's a super achiever. You just keep going, going, going. And it's almost like you're driven by a motor, right?

[00:06:56] Jami Shapiro: And you're just, you wanna accomplish, and then you have the other side where they just can't seem to find that thing that interests them to turn on that hyperfocus is 

[00:07:05] Alice Reiter Feld: And the going, going, going was great until I hit 50 and then I hit that. Brick wall. so, yeah, I was de busy as a child, but I was smart enough, I think I remember doing my homework in school while the teacher was teaching.

[00:07:16] Alice Reiter Feld: Oh, oh, me too. So I went home and do homework. I have the sign up here. I want, I'm gonna hang up for you. It says

[00:07:21] Jami Shapiro: 

[00:07:21] Alice Reiter Feld: Who knew? Gifted and talented would, with will, who knew gifted and talented meant will struggle with mental health for 20 years until someone realizes they're neurodiverse.

[00:07:31] Jami Shapiro: Do you know what's so funny at my oldest is gifted, and I used to say it's no gift. It's a gift 

[00:07:36] Alice Reiter Feld: until it doesn't do it anymore. And that's what happens. 

[00:07:42] Jami Shapiro: and that's a good point. When we're really bright, we do compensate. I've noticed that too with some of the clients that I work with who have dementia.

[00:07:48] Jami Shapiro: The ones who are really bright, they can hide it really well for a while, the way that they converse. But, I wanna bring up the elder law component too. Especially the mediation part and I'm gonna throw one at you 'cause again, this is a fresh conversation. We've never spoken before, but one of the things that I have noticed is that a lot of times people with ADHD have rejection sensitivity, and sometimes we'll make mountains out of molehill or we'll see a problem that isn't there.

[00:08:17] Jami Shapiro: And even within my own family we have some estrangement and I wonder what you think about whether or not. ADHD that does run so big into families, might be at play at some of that. 

[00:08:29] Alice Reiter Feld: Absolutely. I absolutely have RSD I've worked really hard at recognizing it and trying to count to 10, 20, and 50 sometimes.

[00:08:38] Alice Reiter: And I definitely am somebody you would say is over oversensitive. they used to call women, we were little girls and you're too sensitive or whatever. Definitely in fact, RSD is the one thing that really distinguishes ADHD from all of the other dementias. Not that it's a dementia, but.

[00:08:55] Alice Reiter Feld: if you don't have the R Rs d, it's prob in some way, it's probably not the ADHD, it's probably some other thing that's getting you in trouble mentally. I definitely have RS D no question. 

[00:09:04] Jami Shapiro: so I know that in my coaching class we've been encouraged not to call it disorder. Or dysphoria. So I'm just referring to it as rejection sensitivity.

[00:09:13] Jami Shapiro: But for those of you who've heard RSD and you haven't heard this podcast before, which shame on you, but RSD stands for Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria which means that we tend to magnify rejection. when you have a HG, you tend to ruminate and you will, catastrophize or make something bigger than it is.

[00:09:30] Jami Shapiro: And that's why I actually wanted to talk to you about elder mediation because I know a lot of times there's a lot of discourse in families. And I'm wondering, like I said, how much of that could be related to that rejection sensitivity? 

[00:09:45] Alice Reiter Feld: I'm sure some of it is. By the time you get families to a point where they're mediating though, there's so much baggage that has gone on.

[00:09:52] Alice Reiter Feld: if you think divorces are ugly families that have. Been competing since they were one and got the wrong size ice cream cone will do, really kill each other, so. Oh. So yeah, I'm sure that some of it, I pick out people all the time who I believe have ADHD when I'm watching it on tv. when who was the one bad memory?

[00:10:12] Alice Reiter Feld: The act will Smith when he Oh yeah. At the Oscars. As soon as that happened. well, I had just gone come home. I had just turned the TV on and I had just saw it as it was happening literally that minute. Mm-hmm. As soon as it happened, I started to Google, does Will Smith have ADHD? Sure not.

[00:10:28] Jami Shapiro: 

[00:10:28] Alice Reiter Feld: after heard impulsivity, I said, that just doesn't, and sure enough, 

[00:10:33] Jami Shapiro: something hit him about his wife and he just, the r Right. Whatever. 

[00:10:37] Jami Shapiro: so back to family dynamics. so my aunt passed away. She had four children.

[00:10:42] Jami Shapiro: She had not put things in order the way that they should have been put. It was her, she died unexpectedly. And when her children were going through her belongings, the police had to be called because they were fighting so much. And I think about my aunt's legacy, but, and that is definitely not what she would've wanted.

[00:10:58] Jami Shapiro: And PS my four cousins. Two and two never spoke again, and two have since passed. So I think it's really, really important that we settle those issues with our family members while we are alive and we can address those issues Head on. I'm sure you see, like, just to your point, what you said is that, sibling rivalries existed since biblical days.

[00:11:18] Jami Shapiro: So I'm certain that it goes out when grief and all the other things are at play.

[00:11:23] Alice Reiter Feld: At that point, everybody's. Money equals love. if you wanna get into all the psychology of it, I, my father wouldn't leave me out of the will. it's about the money, but sometimes it's not about the money.

[00:11:34] Alice Reiter Feld: And there's huge rivalry in families and it can be very divisive. And one of the things you do as the attorney, part of it is you wanna plan and prepare so that you leave as little up to everybody's. Decision making as possible. So you don't, like somebody say, well, just let my daughter hand out everything to the other people.

[00:11:52] Alice Reiter Feld: And then the know, right, gimme a list of who, which one, which fork goes to, which person. I don't want anybody pick, choosing. Let me know Because the less they have to decide the better. 

[00:12:03] Jami Shapiro: Yeah, I have heard that it's actually even better to have the conversation about your will with your family so that they know Exactly.

[00:12:10] Jami Shapiro: Okay, good. 

[00:12:11] Alice Reiter Feld: I've written an article called Having the Conversation. 

[00:12:14] Jami Shapiro: Nice. I love it. Well, we may need to have you, I'm also a certified senior advisor, so really touching on all the issues that seniors face. Well, I wanna go back to the ADHD conversation 'cause we like to jump around like squirrels and.

[00:12:28] Jami Shapiro: If there's anything that I didn't cover in terms of mediation or something that you wanna share with our listeners, I definitely wanna make sure we get back to that. So I am going to ask you one question, but I don't want you to answer it 'cause we're gonna take a pause and we're gonna have everybody stay tuned so they can hear it.

[00:12:43] Jami Shapiro: Okay. Are you ready? This is the question I've been asking everybody on my latest podcast. If you could press a button and you could not have ADHD. Would you press that button? Don't answer me. We're gonna take a break and come back and answer that question.

 

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[00:14:12] Jami Shapiro: We are back with Alice Reiter Feld, and as I've shared, she is really a unique guest in that she is someone 50 or over with ADHD and she works with seniors as an elder mediator and a divorce coach.

[00:14:30] Jami Shapiro: So, okay. I asked you before we took the pause, if you would press that turn off my A DHD button. What's your answer? 

[00:14:41] Alice Reiter Feld: I probably would turn it off, but it's not an easy answer. I would turn, I know most people say they wouldn't, I would. Okay. The struggles of my late later years, maybe when I was 40, I probably would've said no or 50 even, but 

[00:14:54] Alice Reiter Feld: it's been a big struggle the last 20 years and I probably would turn it off every day. every day is more of a, is a struggle, just moving and activating, motivation, activation, all of that. So I probably would, on the other hand, I know there are things I have, like my creativity and all of that, that is definitely from ADHD, and I would miss those things.

[00:15:13] Alice Reiter Feld: So, but you know what? We can't change who we are, we are who we are. So, mm-hmm. I'd have to live with it. And I, and in coaching, which I haven't done all that much yet, but in coaching, you want people to accept who they are and embrace it and learn to live with it. So they don't sit there doing what I just did, which is I wish I didn't have it.

[00:15:30] Alice Reiter Feld: 'cause that doesn't really accomplish anything. 

[00:15:33] Jami Shapiro: Right, I mean the thing that we have, like we are who we are and we really have to accept it. Otherwise there's gonna be this, spiral of shame and self hate. And I would be happy not on this episode, but to do some coaching with you to explore that.

[00:15:47] Jami Shapiro: But I really appreciate that you were honest about it because to your point, most people would say they wouldn't turn it off. Most people would say they would've turned it off in school when we were forced to sit in, still in a seat and learn things we didn't wanna learn. But I have found for me that ability to hyperfocus and again, the creativity is something that I wouldn't trade.

[00:16:08] Jami Shapiro: But okay. So what would you tell somebody? 'cause then this is great because you just said, Hey, I would turn it off. What would you tell somebody who is just coming to the ADHD conversation? And a lot of people when they get there are, there's a mixture of grief. And relief the grief of,I wish I had known this sooner.

[00:16:29] Jami Shapiro: what would my life, like my mom who is really bright and did not finish college, I am certain if she had been on the right medication or had the right tools, she would've finished. I mean, speaking of gifted, she's really bright. And then there's also this relief, like, that makes sense why, like for me, why can I never be organized?

[00:16:46] Jami Shapiro: Like I just can't get it together. So for me, I've stopped beating myself up over it. I've accepted, Hey, this is not my area of strength, but this is what I'm good at. And I just really refocus and definitely there are things that I would change for sure. So what would you say to somebody. 

[00:17:03] Alice Reiter Feld: Yeah, even neurotypicals, we all have things we did that we would regret, but I

[00:17:08] Alice Reiter Feld: I think that I wouldn't change all that many things. I would just wanna be much more educated than I was. So that I knew that attention deficit hyperactivity disorder didn't have all that much to do with attention deficit or hyperactivity. that it's executive function, that it's getting motivated that it's RSD, that it's forgetting.

[00:17:29] Alice Reiter Feld: I didn't know that even when my son was diagnosed, he was diagnosed with school. People think of it, it's a school disease. Well, I grew up, there was no ADHD. You were stupid If you had, I'm sure those people would get labeled stupid. I'm sure my father would've been a very different person if he'd been diagnosed when he was a kid.

[00:17:44] Alice Reiter Feld: Sure. Well, they called it certainly he wasn't going to be 

[00:17:47] Jami Shapiro: right. They called it minimal brain dysfunction or minimal brain function like back in the day. So it existed. We just didn't have a label for it and 

[00:17:55] Alice Reiter Feld: they totally convinced my father had. 

[00:17:57] Jami Shapiro: Yeah, for sure. I am pretty sure my grandfather had it as well, looking back on his history.

[00:18:02] Jami Shapiro: so what would you tell somebody who is, like I said, coming to that conversation and saying, and realizing, Hey, I really have had it. You just say, learn more about it. I mean, what would your advice be 

[00:18:12] Alice Reiter Feld: Absolutely. first of all. I would want them to know to kind of map out. And I'm not one to take notes, lots of notes or journal, all those things, but to map out where the issues are so they can learn to deal with those things as opposed to think they should be better at something.

[00:18:28] Alice Reiter Feld: And they're not going to be because they've spent 10, 20, 30, 50 years trying to be different than they are. I would tell them to embrace it and learn as much as they can because knowledge is power. Mm-hmm. And the more I've known, the more I'm able to adjust my life. people will tell the silliest things to people with ADHD, and, why don't you just hang your keys up on the hook when you come in?

[00:18:47] Alice Reiter Feld: Well, duh. if I could do that, I would. But when I walk in, I'm a squirrel. So 14 things are, going to take my attention. And here's the tether that's on my phone so I can find it. Sure she's out the watch so I can find it. So you have to embrace it, and you have to find the things that are gonna work to make your life easier.

[00:19:08] Alice Reiter Feld: And I fight it all the time, and I still fight it. So I'm sure many, many others do too. 

[00:19:13] Jami Shapiro: So I'm gonna give you some tips that I like to share when I do my presentations. And so one of them is that I do now wear the watch. I used to think that it would distract me, but I have definitely left those boiling eggs on the stove, and now I know that I will leave.

[00:19:30] Jami Shapiro: So now I absolutely set myself up for success and I plan to forget. So that's one of the things that I do. Even when I park my car, I have to be in my body. I have to pause. Okay, 'cause usually I'm just doing something else and I have to say, okay, either take a picture of where I am. 

[00:19:47] Jami Shapiro: And, the other thing that I noticed, and this is actually something my boyfriend pointed out to me, was so right on, I'm always like running on a motor and I'm so fast and sometimes I wanna do something so quickly to save time that I actually caused myself more time. Here's an example.

[00:20:03] Jami Shapiro: I was putting something into my trunk and I had an open drink and I would have set the drink in the trunk because it was the easiest place to put it, and then I would've ended up having a. spill when I inevitably knocked it over. So now I realize I'm gonna set myself up for success. I'm gonna put it down, and I'm thinking, I'm actually making myself think a couple steps ahead.

[00:20:25] Jami Shapiro: And that has been another huge tool that I've started and I wouldn't have known any of these things until I realized that I had ADHD and I was diagnosed by the way, at 45 when my oldest child was diagnosed. And then I also like to set myself up. For future Jamie. And so I do a lot of presentations and I find, mornings.

[00:20:46] Jami Shapiro: and by the way, knowing what time is best for you is definitely helpful in accomplishing things and knowing, hey, I have a high energy level time and I have a low energy level time, so I'm not gonna plan something in my low energy level time, or I'm gonna leave things that I really enjoy for my low.

[00:21:01] Jami Shapiro: Level time. But also just to set myself up for success. So I will literally pack my car up the night before so that everything is in my car and I don't have to think about it the next morning. I'm setting myself up for future, Jamie, and even. I would like make an appointment or like say I'd sign up for a potluck and I'd think, of course I'm gonna remember the thing that I signed up for.

[00:21:23] Jami Shapiro: I never did. So now I always put the notes in the calendar and I always put the links in the calendar and it has really, really helped me. I was really struggling also going through perimenopause. I saw a decline in my own brain function and really those tools have helped me. 

[00:21:40] Alice Reiter Feld: Yeah, everything is on my phone and in my computer because, people say, well, right, I'm old so I used to use paper and pen all the time.

[00:21:48] Alice Reiter Feld: And, but once I got away from it, 'cause I was working with other people and working in offices now I love having everything on my phone and right on the computer because I'm not gonna lose it. 

[00:21:58] Jami Shapiro: That's true, 

[00:21:58] Alice Reiter Feld: but I will say it's a Google doc. it's there. And when I try to write it down, I can't find the pad.

[00:22:04] Alice Reiter Feld: I can't find the paper. that's boat sale that I can't use paper anymore. 

[00:22:08] Jami Shapiro: Oh. See, I'm still loving the to-do list. I still love checking Google Docs. I have a to-do 

[00:22:12] Alice Reiter Feld: list. It's just on my phone. 

[00:22:13] Jami Shapiro: Okay. Well that's good. also, one of the things that I learned in ADHD coaching is sometimes we need to start with a thing that we're excited about just to kind of gain that momentum.

[00:22:22] Jami Shapiro: So 

[00:22:22] Alice Reiter Feld: to get the dopamine going. 

[00:22:24] Jami Shapiro: Exactly. Having that dopamine menu. Okay. So before we end our call, like I said, you are really unique in that you are bringing. Both the ADHD experience and, you're touching on some issues that seniors are gonna face with elder law. first of all, how can people find you, who do you work with?

[00:22:43] Jami Shapiro: So make sure that we're putting that in there, and then maybe some takeaway tips that you can share with our listeners. 

[00:22:51] Alice Reiter Feld: my tips are to. A big one is, one you just said is knowing that you have limited executive function, that you have limited concentration time, and which times of the day do you need to do what you need to do to get things done?

[00:23:06] Alice Reiter Feld: So I know that the first, I take meds, so I know the first hours after I take my meds are the time I need to do the things I really need to concentrate on. Mm-hmm. And so that's what I tell people. I tell them. To use every reminder and tool that works for them to keep nothing in their head. And this is a rule for everybody, but everything kinda needs to be, if you are a writer, you wanna write it down.

[00:23:32] Alice Reiter Feld: Otherwise, I have an app I use. If you tell me something now, you say You want me talk to me next Wednesday, it's gonna go immediately into this thing. I'm not gonna say anything. I'll just put it in and then later I'll move it where it needs to move. Nothing stays in my head. If it stays in my head, it's gone.

[00:23:47] Jami Shapiro: Okay. Well, thank you. What about your advice as an elder law at mediator or family, elder attorney? Any advice for families, for your clients? For anybody 

[00:23:57] Alice Reiter Feld: it's always been have the conversation, as we talked about before, plan ahead. Leave very little up to your family to the more you take control of your own future as the senior citizen, the less you leave up to the children to make the decision for you, the better off you're gonna be as the senior citizen and the better off the family's gonna be.

[00:24:15] Alice Reiter Feld: 'cause you do not wanna give them any reason to fight. They do not need your help. They can do it fine on their own. So you wanna give them No extra things that they confide about. So you wanna leave, make a list of what you want people to get. If you make sure that your accounts are titled the way you want them titled.

[00:24:30] Alice Reiter Feld: You really have to go over everything and not say, my daughter will do this. My son will do that. That may be, but we're not gonna leave it up to any of that. And things happen. Sometimes the daughter of the son dies before you. Mm-hmm. You never know what order things can happen. So planning and preparing always my two big words when I was practicing.

[00:24:47] Alice Reiter Feld: So I'm gonna, keeps the stress down for families. 

[00:24:51] Jami Shapiro: Sure. I'm gonna give you one of my takeaways that I do as a senior move manager and I do a lot of presentations on, going through the downsizing or right sizing process. So, have you heard of the Swedish Death Cleaning before Alice?

[00:25:03] Jami Shapiro: 

[00:25:03] Alice Reiter Feld: I have, but I don't. 

[00:25:04] Jami Shapiro: Okay. So I'll tell you what it is and I'll give you a little spin on it and we'll put a show note link into the podcast. But Swedish Death Cleaning is basically proactively going through your home as if you had passed so that your loved ones are not tasked with.

[00:25:20] Jami Shapiro: The process while they are grieving of having to make the decisions about your stuff. And to give you an example of why you wanna do that, the example with my aunt and my cousins who fought over things, but my mom, my grandmother passed away unexpectedly. And my mother was very, very close with my grandmother, and my mother was not prepared to let go of anything.

[00:25:40] Jami Shapiro: She was grieving. And so she took everything into her home and then ended up having, what I call grief hoarding. And I say you don't want to leave that for your children 'cause there's gonna be so much, or your family, there's so much emotion when someone dies. also having to go through all of their things and I did ask my mom, Hey, will you do me the favor of letting me know what's important, what's of value?

[00:26:02] Jami Shapiro: Because I live in California, my mom lives in Florida. I'm her only child. I'm not gonna be able to take. Everything from her apartment. But I'm gonna leave you with a funny thing that you will not find on the internet. It's my personal ADHD flare to Swedish Death cleaning.

[00:26:15] Jami Shapiro: And that is, I call it a tequila box. So there are people, who have letters or things that they may not want found. Would you agree that there are people who have things that they would put in a box that says do not open. Right? And would you agree that there are probably going to be family members who are going to disregard the note that says, do not open and open it anyway.

[00:26:33] Alice Reiter Feld: Well, I would probably tell them to open it because I don't know what's in there. Well, so while you're alive is one thing. Do not open it after you're done. if you didn't want it open while you were alive, then you should have destroyed it. But otherwise, How do I know there are I bonds in there?

[00:26:45] Alice Reiter Feld: I'm a liar. I don't know. It's in so, 

[00:26:47] Jami Shapiro: 

[00:26:47] Alice Reiter Feld: somebody has to open it. 

[00:26:49] Jami Shapiro: So this is why I call it a tequila box. I assume that people are going to open it. So I say wrap a bottle of tequila in that box and say, I did ask you not to open this, but I hope you will have some fun. So that's my take.

[00:27:01] Jami Shapiro: I'm also a cancer survive. I 

[00:27:03] Alice Reiter Feld: have two more there. So I was looking at my list of tips. So on your watch, on your Apple Watch or anywhere I count my steps every day. Mm-hmm. And I no longer get annoyed when I go to from room to room 10 17 times. 'cause I forget what I'm going in there for. I forget to get something, whatever.

[00:27:19] Alice Reiter Feld: Now it's just a way of getting extra steps. 

[00:27:22] Jami Shapiro: I love it. 

[00:27:23] Alice Reiter Feld: But turning your negatives into positives are are good things. and one other I have here, clear bags, putting everything into something that's clear, not putting anything in and trying to remember even your makeup bag when you travel clear or almost clear.

[00:27:38] Alice Reiter Feld: Yeah, everything. When I go places, I have a lot of plastic tote bags. The ones that you wait, go to stadiums with because I will forget what's there. And if you don't know what's in your cabinets, open the cabinets and leave them open for a couple of days so your brain remembers what you're looking at.

[00:27:55] Alice Reiter Feld: And then close them. 

[00:27:57] Jami Shapiro: 

[00:27:57] Alice Reiter Feld: that's great. Or put lists inside each of the 'cause I have very high cabinets. I can't see what's up on the topic. I either don't have a list of what's in, there, on the door, or I can't see it. I'm not gonna, so, we try not to buy something 20 times. We end up doing it, but less than we used to.

[00:28:14] Jami Shapiro: That's a great point actually, and that's something I don't think I've brought up on the podcast is that a lot of us are very much out of sight, out of mind. So if we don't see something and you actually said something about, finding the positive. So I named my company Silver Linings Transitions because I had cancer 20 years ago and I altered my career and the positive that came out of it was reevaluating my life.

[00:28:35] Jami Shapiro: But it was really interesting when I was preparing a presentation about ADHD and I was like, what are the good things? The article that it linked to was the Silver Linings of ADHD. Like that was what I found on like PubMed. And one of the things that I do love about ADHD is that we are so resilient.

[00:28:52] Jami Shapiro: So we may get knocked down, but we typically get up 

[00:28:56] Alice Reiter Feld: always. 

[00:28:57] Jami Shapiro: Yeah. So that's a pretty awesome trait. It 

[00:29:00] Alice Reiter Feld: it is an awesome trade. Just, as when you asked me before, I just wish I didn't have to get knocked down and stand up so often. Sure. Yeah. but no, I don't think I would, ask if I would trade it, I say yes, and I'm not sure I would.

[00:29:11] Alice Reiter Feld: I can't. So it's a, it's an exercise. It's not gonna get me anywhere. I always knew I was different. I didn't know why. Mm-hmm. people ask me how I got through law school. I didn't know I was body doubling for three years. I just knew I was studying with a friend. 

[00:29:25] Jami Shapiro: Mm-hmm. there's a great expression, what you resist persists, right.

[00:29:29] Jami Shapiro: So to your point, 

[00:29:30] Alice Reiter Feld: concentrate on happens. So what you put your energy on happens. So if you concentrate on doing something, it'll happen. But it requires more and it requires you to be, as you said, planning. Knowing your future person, planning ahead and knowing where you're going with something so that you do get to where you want to go and you don't think you're neurotypical and then you're shocked when it doesn't work out.

[00:29:53] Jami Shapiro: Mm-hmm. I'm gonna leave you with one thing that I tell that I share pretty frequently. I'm sure you've heard the expression of ginger Rogers and Fred Astaire, that she did all of the dancing that he did. Only she did it backwards and heels. And that's sort of how I feel about ADHD. Like we've cobbled it together.

[00:30:11] Jami Shapiro: So we should feel proud because we did have, our brains were not made for the modern society. We were meant to be hunters. We were meant to be, always alert and so we have had to really, modify how we live and who we are to adjust to this world. And so I say we should feel proud and, because we can't change it.

[00:30:31] Jami Shapiro: So all we can do is to succeed, 

[00:30:33] Alice Reiter Feld: can't change it. So we need to embrace it, learn more about ourselves, learn more about ADHD, and the more you learn. As I said, knowledge is power. The more you know about yourself and what you have, the more that will make sense to you. 

[00:30:45] Jami Shapiro: Yeah. So any parting words or anything you wanna leave our guests with, how can they find you?

[00:30:50] Jami Shapiro: what kind of work do you do? 

[00:30:52] Alice Reiter Feld: I can be emailed at Alice, T-M-R-F-A-L-I-C-E-T-M-R f@gmail.com. I have a new site that's going up for the mediation called Gray, gray Matters mediation. I think it's up so somebody can Google that to look at it. Or they can call me call me nine five four six four six.

[00:31:11] Alice Reiter Feld: 0 2, 7, 8 or text me. 

[00:31:14] Jami Shapiro: So gray matters. Is it GRAY or G-A-R-G-R-A-Y 

[00:31:18] Alice Reiter Feld: Matters. Mediation. 

[00:31:20] Jami Shapiro: Okay. I love it. 

[00:31:21] Alice Reiter Feld: Everything. Older people. Mediation, older divorce, Elder, mediation, guardianship, probate, all of it. 

[00:31:28] Jami Shapiro: Wonderful. Well, you have really been an informative guest and I'm really glad we had that authentic conversation because to your point, it isn't sunshine and rainbows all the time.

[00:31:37] Jami Shapiro: And there is a label of toxic positivity that goes with ADHD and in calling it a superpower, but really we need to acknowledge that it is not the case for everybody. 

[00:31:45] Alice Reiter Feld: but nonetheless, if we have to embrace who we are. 'cause we have no choice. So that's why learning is, and learning about yourself and learning about the thing is so important 

[00:31:54] Alice Reiter Feld: People around you. So I can't always pick. 

[00:31:57] Jami Shapiro: Community is everything. I will say that when I am, in my ADHD coaching and everybody is like me and you just feel accepted. there's nothing better than not having to explain yourself. Speaking of community, what a great segue. I just want to invite you to share this podcast.

[00:32:14] Jami Shapiro: subscribe to it. Let me know what you think of it. Only if it's positive. 'cause I don't like rejection and I am building a community. Grandma has ADHD, it's on Facebook because, people 15 over. That seems to be our social media platform of choice. And I can't manage too much.

[00:32:31] Jami Shapiro: I know exactly who I am. But I hope that you will find me and join a community. And I've got big visions. For how much support we can offer to each other. So thank you so much, Alice Reiter Feld, and thank you to everyone who tuned into the latest edition of Grandma Has ADHD. 

[00:32:50] Alice Reiter Feld: Thanks Jamie. Thanks for having me.

 

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